And so, to the woman who would not shut up through the entire film, a few pointers.

1. 'I'm with my children' does not equal 'I'm in my house.' The thing in front of you? That was a cinema screen, not your television. The thing under your backside? That was a seat, not your sofa. Those objects around you? Those were other human beings, not stray cushions. Maybe you are your children's home in the world and that's all very lovely, but it doesn't mean everywhere you take the little brats is your private dwelling.

2. 'I paid for my ticket' does not equal 'I bought the cinema.' Understaffed though the cinema was, it did at least have a ticket checker - from which you might possibly have deduced, if you'd been interested in anyone who carried less than fifty per cent of your own precious genetic material, that we'd all paid for our tickets too.

3. 'Ssssh' does not equal 'Please talk louder to assert yourself.'

4. 'Ssssh' is not a swear word. You know when you started saying 'I am not a dog!' because people shushed you? They were not doing it to disrespect you. They were doing it because they had some respect for everyone else in the auditorium - you know, the other human beings who weren't you or your children, I'm sure you notice them sometimes - and 'sh' is less distracting than a long conversation. We all knew you weren't a dog. Dogs stop yapping when you tell them.

5. It should not have taken several shushings, then that lovely man two rows back who shouted at you, then me fetching the usher, then that other guy who was far more polite than you deserved, before you finally got the point and left.

6. The world is full of places you can have a conversation for free. If what you really wanted was a non-stop gossip with your kids, you could have done it cheaper at home. It would have been a win-win.

In conclusion: having children does not automatically entitle you to deference. It's really not that impressive. You have sex and then the rest pretty much happens by itself. I don't know what you think it makes you the queen of, but procreation and diplomatic immunity are two separate things, and other people failing to put your kids first in a non-crisis situation is not a sign of bad character. Sure, if you have some stairs to get a buggy up or a lifeboat to board, I'll be right there putting their interests before mine and so will everyone else in the cinema, but on a Sunday afternoon where the only objective is to try to extract a degree of enjoyment from the finite leisure hours of everyone's working week, good parenting means teaching your children to consider others, not demanding special status from others. If you'd been teaching them some manners, that would have been impressive, but 'Anyone who criticises your bad behaviour is your enemy' is not a good lesson to impart. Some day your kids will have to learn that the world does not revolve around them. It's seriously important that they learn this, because if they don't, the consequences will be dire. They'll end up like you.

Was the film any good? I have no fucking idea. By the time Ms These-Are-My-Jewels finally got the point and pissed off, my ability to concentrate was utterly broken.

Don't talk to me about falling cinema figures. Until ushers are present in every auditorium and armed with cattle prods, I'm not going back.