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Thursday, October 04, 2007


When I run the swimming pool...

There are going to be some changes. Here's my idea:

First, we re-christen the 'slow lane'. Its new name will be the 'laid-back lane'; on its floor will be painted images of really hip-looking fish, and music will be piped into it playing Feelin' Groovy and Easy Like Sunday Morning, and when the lifeguard moves over to that side of the pool, he'll pick up a pina colada and put on some shades. Meanwhile, the 'medium lane' will be re-christened the 'boring lane'. This will remove the stigma from being in the slow lane and re-cast it as cool, and hence all the people who are cluttering up the medium lane because they refuse to admit that moving your legs and arms about once every thirty seconds counts as swimming slowly will clear off and stop blocking the lane for people who actually do swim at medium speed.

Second, all the people who are sitting at the shallow end of the slow lane because their cardiologist/spouse told them to get more exercise, and think that sitting still in the water counts, will be sent home with some nice soap to go take a bath. It'll get their swimsuits just as wet, and I won't tell anybody they didn't actually swim.

Third, there will be heated towel rails in the changing room. Lots of them, enough for everyone, even the slow swimmers; as long as they don't keep blocking the lane, I don't want them to suffer.

Fourth, I want a spa pool. With bubbles. And a fountain. And some pina colada for me as well.

How do you want it improved once my coup is complete? All suggestions will be heard.

Underwater disco ball.

'Nuff said.
A tunnel built around the "fast lane" with inside lights and at the end of it, rather than a wall, would be a waterslide, taking you down a very steep slope, so that people would stop thinking of swimming as excising and start thinking of it as fun.

This would also have the effect of clearly making the medium lane very definitely the boring lane as I'd want to swim in the feeling groovy or tunnel/waterslide lanes and those who seriously want to swim for swimmings sake, as you sound like you do (and fair play to you for it) would have the middle of the pool to themselves.
I wholeheartedly support your plans for the slow lane.

Can I also suggest a separate lane for excessively kicky-and-splashy swimmers? I'm sick of being kicked in the face/ribs and blinded by people who seem determined to make swimming as much of an ordeal for others as themselves.
Disco ball! That's a great idea!

I do want to swim for exercise, I'm just not very fast...

Yes indeed - and maybe some kind of super-fast bats swooping down over the water to catch all the droplets in their mouths every time somebody went SPLOSH with their legs and sent a fountain of water all the way up to the ceiling.
When I run the swimming pool I will ban the other humans. They're no good. Slow humans obstruct my mighty backstroke. Fast humans implicitly belittle my mighty backstroke.

Also, when I run the swimming pool it will move to be near my damn house. That is all.
Hm. As long as I get a pool like that as well, I'm finding of all that hard to argue with...
And come to that, if we ban humans, does that mean we get other things? You know, multi-coloured octopi in the water, and happy little ducks bobbing around on the surface? (In a quiet lane separate from the piped music, waterslide and other wildlife-disturbing stuff, of course...)

Man, I want my own pool.
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